Conspiracy Theory 101

Conspiracy Theory 101: How to argue like a true conspiracy theorist, win friends, and influence people. (or: The 8 habits of Highly Defective People) Introduction: Conspiracy Theory is really more of an art-form than a science. It takes a disciplined mind to stay on message and ignore any documented evidence which might conflict with what you KNOW to be the truth. What follows is a helpful checklist for easy reference. Just follow these helpful hints when recording your own special insights and eventually you too will be able to construct seamless fabrications imbued with the veneer of truth and the afterglow of authenticity: 1. SUPERIOR KNOWLEDGE This is perhaps the most fundamental principle you must master in order to construct a solid Conspiracy Theory. The first step on the path to winning friends and influencing people is that you must have an unshakable faith in the superiority of your own knowledge base. This may sound like a difficult hurdle at first, just remember that ONLY YOU know for sure what REALLY happened. ONLY YOU have the necessary expertise to correctly analyze events. ONLY YOU are able to see through the fog of propaganda and lies obscuring your path. Eventually others will be swayed to your point of view, after all, you possess the most precious gift in the world: the TRUTH. The TRUTH must have a voice, and YOU are that voice! Anyone who disagrees with you or harbors a contrary point of view is a FILTHY LIAR! They are the ENEMIES of progress and enlightenment! Anyone who rejects your TRUTH is a hapless FOOL. The rest of humanity is composed of lesser mortals who suffer in helpless ignorance and despair. Never surrender the high ground of your Superior Knowledge! 2. MOTIVE CLAIRVOYANCE Closely related to Superior Knowledge is the concept of Motive Clairvoyance. No matter what your conspiracy theory is, or what it’s about, remember that ONLY YOU know the TRUE MOTIVES of all parties involved. This will require a certain amount of clairvoyance on your part, but this is easily achieved by simply assuming the WORST possible motives on the conspirators’ behalf. What is the WORST possible motive you can think of? Mass murder? Ill-gotten wealth? Forced breeding experiments? The burning desire for world domination? The plausibility of the motive is completely irrelevant, just use your imagination. The important thing is that you must constantly remind everyone of the REAL reasons people are motivated to say and do things. It's just so OBVIOUS that the conspirators are all hell-bent on destroying human civilization as we know it that only a FOOL would dare to second-guess your Motive Clairvoyance. Cast aside all doubt and go with what you KNOW. 3. SUPERIOR INTELLEGENCE Of course, it goes without saying that your mental capacity is above and beyond that of mere mortals. The reason so may millions of ordinary folks suffer in ignorance is they are TOO STUPID to follow your incoherent ravings. It’s not your fault if they can’t sniff out conspiracies the same way you can, they’re drowning in a sea of propaganda and lies and just AREN’T SMART ENOUGH to see things clearly. ONLY YOU can show them the path to true enlightenment! Don’t hesitate to insult their intelligence, because they don’t have any to begin with. Not to worry, the unwashed masses will line up in droves just to kiss your feet once they know the TRUTH! 4. BLAME THE MESSENGER It’s a sad fact of life that conspiracy theories will always draw “detractors” out of the woodwork. These vermin will never tire of trying to poke holes in your carefully crafted theory. They have no lives, they’re just so desperate for attention that they’ll do or say practically anything to get noticed, even if it means making fools of themselves by casting dispersions on your obviously Superior Knowledge. So, call them out by their real names: Call them SHILLS. Call them LIARS. Better yet, accuse them of being a part of the Conspiracy! Put them on the defensive! Whatever you do, don’t let them trick you into putting forth a rational argument. Remember, THEY are the ones playing “semantic games,” not you! ONLY YOU are the standard bearer for the TRUTH! Everyone else is just trying to draw attention away from your Superior Intelligence. 5. NEVER ADMIT ERROR (ESPECIALLY IF CAUGHT) If by some freak accident of nature a conspiracy theory is thoroughly debunked, immediately distance yourself from it by accusing the debunker of creating the falsified theory in the first place just so they could turn around and debunk a theory that no one really believed in anyway. This makes you look smart for catching them in the act and even makes it look like THEY’RE the ones who just sit around all day trying to come up with kooky ideas. If, in fact, YOU are the one who came up with the kooky idea, you should at least insist that you never really believed in it but that you were merely testing the debunkers’ paltry investigation skills. This may seem hypocritical at first, but keep in mind that ONLY YOU know the TRUTH. Never let your Superior Knowledge go to waste! 6. DEFY ALL REASON Some debunkers will try to “reason” with you. They’ll try to confuse the real issues by inserting wordy diatribes into the conversation. They’ll accuse you of making “faulty assumptions” or “logical fallacies.” But what do they know? Do they know the TRUTH? Do they share in your Superior Knowledge or Motive Clairvoyance? Of course not! Rules of evidence, rules of logic, rules of debate – rules are for suckers! Reason is the Achilles Heel of all debunkers everywhere! They NEVER learn to think outside the box of their own rules! So, if your conspiracy theory happens to play fast and loose with the “rules” of logic or reason, turn around and accuse your debunkers of failing to “think outside the box,” or publicly pity them for being duped by their own propaganda. That’ll teach ‘em! 7. IGNORE EVIDENCE As a general rule of thumb, it is perfectly normal and sane to tout evidence supporting your theory and ignore any evidence to the contrary. But this is not enough! You must also disparage the motives of anyone and everyone who dares to find fault with your theory. Never forget that your detractors are ENEMIES of the TRUTH who will stop at nothing in their pathetic attempts to discredit you. If, by some freak accident of nature, your detractors make a perfectly obvious and valid point, IGNORE IT completely, as if they didn’t even bring it up, and be sure to refocus everyone’s attention on what a pack of LIARS and SHILLS your detractors REALLY are. 8. EMBRACE PARANOIA In addition to Motive Clairvoyance, you must also learn to Embrace Paranoia. Paranoia is merely an irrational suspicion of others. But in order to embrace paranoia fully you must learn to suspect the most vile motives and deeds of others based on the flimsiest of evidence. Did your electricity go out during your favorite show? IT’S A CONSPIRACY! Did some government agency make a typo in their report? IT’S A CONSPIRACY! Are photography “experts” questioning your best photographic evidence? IT’S A CONSPIRACY! Does a corporate spokesperson happen to be the president’s father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate? IT’S A CONSPIRACY! Remember, there is no link too farfetched, no motive too despicable, no connection too obscure to support your theory. You just have to KNOW where to look! In summary: Sometimes stupidity is born out of genuine ignorance. The stupidity born out of Conspiracy Theories is more likely a byproduct of willful blindness. Do you know the difference? If not, CONGRATULATIONS! You are now a bona fide Conspiracy Kook! Welcome to the world wide web! Please enjoy your stay…in the asylum. “Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” — Euripides